The Phoenix

So some may be aware of this, offers not. However I am sick of keeping it hidden away, afraid of people might think if they knew. A lot of people reading this will already know that we are not normal, mainly from the constant changing of pronouns and other posts on other sites.

However, we are not a single mind in this body but a mix of two minds. They are always mixed and in agreement with anything that is done. The worst thing is that they are of different genders. We feel the need for the body to reflect how our mind is. I do not know if this is even possible, but I need to speak to some people about it to find out. I tried to get the ball moving today, but the person I wanted to ask questions of was not in her office when I went around there at lunch time and was too busy during the rest of the day.

Everyone who knows about this has been supportive, but my family know nothing about it at least at the moment. There are none in my physical world that know any of how I feel, not even the Therapist that I had recently. Its amazing how you can keep things hidden for so long and then it becomes natural to deny it.

The problem when we mention that we want the body to reflect the mind, people think of Kathoey. That is not what we mean, that would still not be what we want, if that is all that we could achieve then we would be better to never start anything.

That was it, really. I want to stop hiding everything and talk about it all.
Cheers,

Angel

Yet another new post, this may become a habit

So a small update, I have just completed my first "project" at work. Some may know that I have been wandering around work to install some new software, however this is to go live on monday. I have installed the client on over 650 computers, around the hospital and it will be very annoying if the 3rd party supplier now screws up. Which is more than likely now that we are prepared.

Our daughters now legally have to attend a school, and I have the addresses of both schools. Which means I can get updates on their lives, as well as their mother cannot remove them from school without my consent or that of the court. So We are counting that as a win for my daughters. There is more to that but that will be something that will take a year to come to fruition.

I recently I admitted to someone that we had feelings for them. I feel that somethings must be clarified, I was not doing it due to others around me also pairing up, or to copy them. I do not want something that someone else has, what I want is something unique to me and the person I will be with,not a shadow of a feeling. This is not a small infatuation that has appeared recently but something that has grown for the past 30 months, and has taken a lot to admit to them. I knew I would be rebuffed but needed to clear the air so that I can concentrate on other things, hopefully in the future I can provide friendship for them but at the moment, it may be too much to do that. We understand why I was rebuffed,even with a polite "I do not feel the same", and both respect and accept it, however I cannot turn off the feelings within me, wish I could.

As you, my reader, may be aware I am not in chat at the moment. Nor looking to return, I would like to point out that this is not due to the person I told of my feelings, but of personal burn-out as we said in the previous post. This is all here, so that I can write it down, get my feelings and thoughts out of my head. Without ruining too much in the process.

I'm Okay - What does that mean?

As some may be aware, we are taking a holiday from chat. Others may simply have not noticed. Emotionally, we have been running virtually on empty for a while, whether due to not having “someone special” or not seeing my daughter, it remains to be seen. Now it has got to the point of being empty, we have no more to give anyone. I have listened, paid attention to and offered support to many people during the past 3 years, while I fought off accusations of DVD piracy, paedophilia (So much so that my online accounts were opened to the police), sexual assault (which apparently the other party only allowed for the sake of the children*), forcing my daughters to share a bed with my ex and I, been described as pathological, suffering from Aspergers Syndrome, Narcissitic, I am being cyber-stalked, spent 30 weeks on a course for perpetrators of domestic violence, 8 weeks of Positive Parenting, a 12 week Cognitive Behavioural therapy course. At the end of this, I am still not allowed to see my daughter, yet every court date that comes up more and more shit gets thrown at me. Such as spying on my ex, as I know that she has moved twice in the past year, when it was her counsel that have mentioned it. I apparently have hacked her IP address and broken into her emails, which I have read and used to cancel her internet account. Never mind that the Direct Debit was setup on my bank account, by her.

Previously to my moving out of the shared accommodation, I spent days/weeks shut in my room. Spending little time with anyone else, with only my laptop or computer for company. I reached out through chat to speak to people, as I am too scared to go outside and meet people in my town. I even messed up in chat, big time, and the ramifications are still now being felt through the channel. However, I am beyond what happened originally. Even after moving out I spend a lot of my time curled up, just waiting for the day to end so I can sleep, so for those few hours I have no need to feel anything. It’s a respite from what I go through. I have laid in bed, willing myself to cry to let out some of this emotion, but it never comes. Even today, I cannot let a single tear out.

It has become obvious that I have lost my longest running friendship, as the other party hasn’t contacted me. So it would appear that my longest friendship is just over 3 years in length, and would be someone from the chat channel. However even that seems to be strained. I know no-one from the time I was with my ex or even from beforehand. As she was extremely jealous of me speaking to anyone, of going online or any friends I might have previously had. There was a year when I did not even see my parents, because of her. Which only ended when my ex demanded that my parents buy a new cooker, because her son decided to leave the old one on and go out.

So No, I have not had a single event ruin my life completely. I have had a single person commit complete character assassination of myself. I spend every evening online trying to forget that and talk to people so that I can have some function in the world. Even then I have to start the conversations, have to IM people who say they are friends.

*For the two years between the birth of my daughter and the end of my relationship with her mother. The pair of us had sex a handful of times if that, always at her insistance, grabbing me and starting everything. That had been her choice since the pregnancy, using PND as an excuse not to touch me.

So when I say “I'm ok”, I am feeling the pressure of all that but know there is nothing that can be done and that it does not get better. Even when I say about it, or how I/we are and people do not notice it. It ends up being worse than you can think.