4th January..

So I have made an appointment with my local GP(Doctor), to start the ball slowly rolling. I'll be speaking about if there is a way to become poly-gendered, and level of sensation.. It does have me in a slight panic. Am I doing the right thing, will I be laughed out of the surgery, what will I do when I'm told the options, am I doing it just to be different to the "norm", am I trying to fit in with a close-friend??

All I know is that I have been happier since working this out and coming to terms with whats inside, and feel a lot better about my body with smooth legs. Even if I have a problem with razor-burn >.< I even spent some time over the holidays looking at shoes and thinking "I could get those, I'd look great in those" However it was all heeled shoes, and no flats, maybe over compensating for the 30 years of flat "boring" shoes. Of which I need to get a new pair, for work. However that will be the usage of a christas present. Will have to check the expiry date on a voucher from a shoe shop to see if it can wait until I find out for certain and whether I will have any foot shrinkage. Some people have said it might happen, others that it wont. It will just be waiting to see what happens to my body.

Gah!

Just to say that my Dad has been admitted to hospital with pnuemonia. He was admitted an hour and half ago. He's been ill for the past 2 weeks, with what we thought was just a simple cold or flu. However today he was dragged by my mum into the walk-in clinic at the hospital and diagnosed with pneumonia. There nearly admitted him there and then but decided against it, that was about 9am. At about 1pm, my mum and I took him back up and he has now been admitted in.

To make matters worse he has been put on a ward with a cantankerous individual who was taking all the nurses attention when I left to turn the stove off so we may save the soup. Which I doubt. Someone else was been prepared to be taken to the Cancer ward, so that was another drain on their resources.

This is the worst I have ever seen my Dad. He has never been good with a simple cold and looks very bad at the moment, he has aged atleast 10 years. My mum has been crying and is very worried, I am very worried and wondering if he will ever be out of hospital again.

Understanding

So we went to see one of the ex-housemates, the Polish one, today and got talking about a friend of mine. How she has now found love and that I find it beautiful. However, the housemate was putting all the negative spin on the relationship. Saying how any amount of BS could be said online, after about 20 minutes of talk like that, I got quite angry and mentioned that of all people she should know that she doesnt need to tell me that.

Along with other parts of the conversation, regarding Transgendered people and it was revealed exactly how narrow minded she is. So it looks like I have lost a friendship there, well not exactly lost.. more given up on a friendship.

The Phoenix

So some may be aware of this, offers not. However I am sick of keeping it hidden away, afraid of people might think if they knew. A lot of people reading this will already know that we are not normal, mainly from the constant changing of pronouns and other posts on other sites.

However, we are not a single mind in this body but a mix of two minds. They are always mixed and in agreement with anything that is done. The worst thing is that they are of different genders. We feel the need for the body to reflect how our mind is. I do not know if this is even possible, but I need to speak to some people about it to find out. I tried to get the ball moving today, but the person I wanted to ask questions of was not in her office when I went around there at lunch time and was too busy during the rest of the day.

Everyone who knows about this has been supportive, but my family know nothing about it at least at the moment. There are none in my physical world that know any of how I feel, not even the Therapist that I had recently. Its amazing how you can keep things hidden for so long and then it becomes natural to deny it.

The problem when we mention that we want the body to reflect the mind, people think of Kathoey. That is not what we mean, that would still not be what we want, if that is all that we could achieve then we would be better to never start anything.

That was it, really. I want to stop hiding everything and talk about it all.
Cheers,

Angel

Yet another new post, this may become a habit

So a small update, I have just completed my first "project" at work. Some may know that I have been wandering around work to install some new software, however this is to go live on monday. I have installed the client on over 650 computers, around the hospital and it will be very annoying if the 3rd party supplier now screws up. Which is more than likely now that we are prepared.

Our daughters now legally have to attend a school, and I have the addresses of both schools. Which means I can get updates on their lives, as well as their mother cannot remove them from school without my consent or that of the court. So We are counting that as a win for my daughters. There is more to that but that will be something that will take a year to come to fruition.

I recently I admitted to someone that we had feelings for them. I feel that somethings must be clarified, I was not doing it due to others around me also pairing up, or to copy them. I do not want something that someone else has, what I want is something unique to me and the person I will be with,not a shadow of a feeling. This is not a small infatuation that has appeared recently but something that has grown for the past 30 months, and has taken a lot to admit to them. I knew I would be rebuffed but needed to clear the air so that I can concentrate on other things, hopefully in the future I can provide friendship for them but at the moment, it may be too much to do that. We understand why I was rebuffed,even with a polite "I do not feel the same", and both respect and accept it, however I cannot turn off the feelings within me, wish I could.

As you, my reader, may be aware I am not in chat at the moment. Nor looking to return, I would like to point out that this is not due to the person I told of my feelings, but of personal burn-out as we said in the previous post. This is all here, so that I can write it down, get my feelings and thoughts out of my head. Without ruining too much in the process.

I'm Okay - What does that mean?

As some may be aware, we are taking a holiday from chat. Others may simply have not noticed. Emotionally, we have been running virtually on empty for a while, whether due to not having “someone special” or not seeing my daughter, it remains to be seen. Now it has got to the point of being empty, we have no more to give anyone. I have listened, paid attention to and offered support to many people during the past 3 years, while I fought off accusations of DVD piracy, paedophilia (So much so that my online accounts were opened to the police), sexual assault (which apparently the other party only allowed for the sake of the children*), forcing my daughters to share a bed with my ex and I, been described as pathological, suffering from Aspergers Syndrome, Narcissitic, I am being cyber-stalked, spent 30 weeks on a course for perpetrators of domestic violence, 8 weeks of Positive Parenting, a 12 week Cognitive Behavioural therapy course. At the end of this, I am still not allowed to see my daughter, yet every court date that comes up more and more shit gets thrown at me. Such as spying on my ex, as I know that she has moved twice in the past year, when it was her counsel that have mentioned it. I apparently have hacked her IP address and broken into her emails, which I have read and used to cancel her internet account. Never mind that the Direct Debit was setup on my bank account, by her.

Previously to my moving out of the shared accommodation, I spent days/weeks shut in my room. Spending little time with anyone else, with only my laptop or computer for company. I reached out through chat to speak to people, as I am too scared to go outside and meet people in my town. I even messed up in chat, big time, and the ramifications are still now being felt through the channel. However, I am beyond what happened originally. Even after moving out I spend a lot of my time curled up, just waiting for the day to end so I can sleep, so for those few hours I have no need to feel anything. It’s a respite from what I go through. I have laid in bed, willing myself to cry to let out some of this emotion, but it never comes. Even today, I cannot let a single tear out.

It has become obvious that I have lost my longest running friendship, as the other party hasn’t contacted me. So it would appear that my longest friendship is just over 3 years in length, and would be someone from the chat channel. However even that seems to be strained. I know no-one from the time I was with my ex or even from beforehand. As she was extremely jealous of me speaking to anyone, of going online or any friends I might have previously had. There was a year when I did not even see my parents, because of her. Which only ended when my ex demanded that my parents buy a new cooker, because her son decided to leave the old one on and go out.

So No, I have not had a single event ruin my life completely. I have had a single person commit complete character assassination of myself. I spend every evening online trying to forget that and talk to people so that I can have some function in the world. Even then I have to start the conversations, have to IM people who say they are friends.

*For the two years between the birth of my daughter and the end of my relationship with her mother. The pair of us had sex a handful of times if that, always at her insistance, grabbing me and starting everything. That had been her choice since the pregnancy, using PND as an excuse not to touch me.

So when I say “I'm ok”, I am feeling the pressure of all that but know there is nothing that can be done and that it does not get better. Even when I say about it, or how I/we are and people do not notice it. It ends up being worse than you can think.

News update and flat pics

Well it has been a while since a post on here, so I will recap on what has happened in my life since then.

1) I am now the owner of an IT Consultancy company, which has 1 employee. It is just a way of off-setting my working expenses.

2) I have moved out of the house share that I was living in. It was not working out for me, I moved out of my parents in too much of a hurry and didnt look at the long term effects of living with the person I didnt get along with.

And as with moving, some people have suggested that I stick pictures up on the blog. So here goes.
Living room


Bedroom

Bathroom

Kitchen


So there we have it, the new abode of the Seraphim.

Continuation of the Words..

So to continue from the end of school. I passed 7 GCSE's at grade C or above. Plus took 4 others which included 3 grade Ds and a Grade E. I went to College and University. Coming out of the education system at the age of 20. With no drive to use what I have studied, I still find it difficult to get down and code anything, even making simple Access Databases can be a difficult task. The last year of my study was virtually taught by one Lecturer. Who we had complained to the University board about, and were re-assured that it would not happen. I drifted into a dead end warehouse job and carried on drifting through dead jobs.

When I was 19, I met my first love. We spent 2 years together, had countless arguments and good times. We did not live together, and that is possibly why we lasted so long. She was a nice person and introduced me to Heavy Metal. Which I have liked since, and built up quite the CD collection after breaking up with her. After thsis young lady, I started meeting people online and physically met three people over two years from online. Only one of which was in the same country as me, so I flew half way around the world twice to see girls. You can guess that it didnt work out properly, these girls allowed me to develop and try things I liked.

The next girl I met from online was perhaps both the best and worst choice I have ever made in a lover. We lived together for 4 years, she had three children from relationships before I met her. She become the mother of my only daughter two years into our relationship. A lot of events went down in that relationship and we seperated in not nice circumstances. I have changed, done lots of work regarding relationships, since then.

Since October 2006, I have been doing Tech Support. Which has made me feel better about my person, even with the breaks in employment. The work is better than others I have done, with plenty of prospects and better paid.

As one of the comments previously asked, have I spoken to my Biological father since I was 4. Yes I did, once when I was 25. I contacted him, and asked to meet him. It was the first and last time that I will speak to him. At least I know his side, and he seemed to want to bad-mouth my mother more than impress on me that he was a good person.

From the mouth of babes..

I was born in 1978, in the UK. Grew up in a town that was/is and probably always will be made up of White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. Its a middle of the road town, where nothing interesting happened when I was growing up.

As for my childhood, which as you could guess this really should be about. I started off living in on a farm, for just under 3 years. Living with both my birth parents, from what I can tell it was a volatile relationship that was bound to end in disaster. Which it very nearly did, but my father left and possibly within a year of moving from the farm to the town I grew up in. He ran off with the local beat Bobbys wife. For those that do not know, beat Bobby is a Police Foot Patrolman, who would have a certain patch to walk around. I have very few memories of my Father, some of which are possibly not even real. My parents finally got divorced when I was 6, however when I was between 5 and 6, the man that has become my Dad met my Mum. He moved in after the divorce, which was perhaps the best thing to happen to my Mum and me.

As for my friendships before the age of 6, I know of at least six friends I had at that age that moved away. Plus my Mum has always worked, so I was looked after by a minder. Who had two children of her own, a boy and a girl. However they did not live in the same neighbourhood, so seeing them during the week and then returning to my own neighbourhood at the weekends, made things difficult with forming friendships. It should have been better what with having the two neighbourhoods to make friends in, however with having the six friends leave one of the neighbourhoods. It became difficult to make friends in that area and keep them due to the only being able to see them at weekends. Also I would miss out of getting closer to people at the other neighbourhood due to only being there during the week.

However before my Dad moved in, we would spend the weekends at his house. After he moved in, Saturdays would be spent with Mum and I shopping/browsing a city 30 miles away as Dad played sports. Sundays became the day the three of us would travel to my Grandads and we would spend the day there. First it was gardening, then decorating the house and then finally just being there. My parents went every week for roughly 13 years. I stopped going on a regular basis when I was 16, however I did not have many friends.

I think that my parents knew this and enlisted me in the Boy Scouts, starting as a Cub at the age of 8 to try and combat it. However, I was the only person from my neighbourhood and felt alone even there. However it taught me a lot of things that I do not think I could do without. How to use a knife, axe, read a map, rely on my sense of direction, pitch a tent, cook and a myriad of other things. I stopped going at the age of 15, mainly as I did not want to associate with the type of people that the eldest members of the group were turning into.

However I was a cheery child, until the age of 11. When I started secondary school, and the end of the first lesson of Physical Education. It was an event which shaped my social standing for the next 5 years in that school. During the showers, a couple of the other boys turned and shouted, pointing "SGA's got a hard-on." From that day on, I was gay or a pansy, and I only managed to lose the tag when I left the school and started college.


From that you can surmise one thing, I drift from subject to subject. Wanting to concentrate on one thing at a time. That shall be the end of this post, at around the age of 16.

Beginnings

We know that it is a stereotypical title, for a first post. However this is a title for what will hopefully become a post, that starts a new chapter in our mental state.

Having completed a courses on Positive Parenting and Domestic Abuse, we are feeling in a better place than we were over a year ago. When we last had a serious relationship. The old person that we were, ruined that relationship, and we have since gotten more confident in who and what we are. Mainly due to the courses, which have helped considerably in re-affirming that we can move beyond our past.

This will be blog of relevations that few have been told, a lot of which people have been told before. No-one knows the complete picture, we have not trusted everyone to see the truth. However it is time to collect the tales of our past, and to let others share.

There was once another blog by ourself and none of that shall be referenced here. We offer no excuses for our actions or what is said on this blog.