I'm Okay - What does that mean?

As some may be aware, we are taking a holiday from chat. Others may simply have not noticed. Emotionally, we have been running virtually on empty for a while, whether due to not having “someone special” or not seeing my daughter, it remains to be seen. Now it has got to the point of being empty, we have no more to give anyone. I have listened, paid attention to and offered support to many people during the past 3 years, while I fought off accusations of DVD piracy, paedophilia (So much so that my online accounts were opened to the police), sexual assault (which apparently the other party only allowed for the sake of the children*), forcing my daughters to share a bed with my ex and I, been described as pathological, suffering from Aspergers Syndrome, Narcissitic, I am being cyber-stalked, spent 30 weeks on a course for perpetrators of domestic violence, 8 weeks of Positive Parenting, a 12 week Cognitive Behavioural therapy course. At the end of this, I am still not allowed to see my daughter, yet every court date that comes up more and more shit gets thrown at me. Such as spying on my ex, as I know that she has moved twice in the past year, when it was her counsel that have mentioned it. I apparently have hacked her IP address and broken into her emails, which I have read and used to cancel her internet account. Never mind that the Direct Debit was setup on my bank account, by her.

Previously to my moving out of the shared accommodation, I spent days/weeks shut in my room. Spending little time with anyone else, with only my laptop or computer for company. I reached out through chat to speak to people, as I am too scared to go outside and meet people in my town. I even messed up in chat, big time, and the ramifications are still now being felt through the channel. However, I am beyond what happened originally. Even after moving out I spend a lot of my time curled up, just waiting for the day to end so I can sleep, so for those few hours I have no need to feel anything. It’s a respite from what I go through. I have laid in bed, willing myself to cry to let out some of this emotion, but it never comes. Even today, I cannot let a single tear out.

It has become obvious that I have lost my longest running friendship, as the other party hasn’t contacted me. So it would appear that my longest friendship is just over 3 years in length, and would be someone from the chat channel. However even that seems to be strained. I know no-one from the time I was with my ex or even from beforehand. As she was extremely jealous of me speaking to anyone, of going online or any friends I might have previously had. There was a year when I did not even see my parents, because of her. Which only ended when my ex demanded that my parents buy a new cooker, because her son decided to leave the old one on and go out.

So No, I have not had a single event ruin my life completely. I have had a single person commit complete character assassination of myself. I spend every evening online trying to forget that and talk to people so that I can have some function in the world. Even then I have to start the conversations, have to IM people who say they are friends.

*For the two years between the birth of my daughter and the end of my relationship with her mother. The pair of us had sex a handful of times if that, always at her insistance, grabbing me and starting everything. That had been her choice since the pregnancy, using PND as an excuse not to touch me.

So when I say “I'm ok”, I am feeling the pressure of all that but know there is nothing that can be done and that it does not get better. Even when I say about it, or how I/we are and people do not notice it. It ends up being worse than you can think.